He Pulls it Off

Not many kids can get a sunburn all over their body without crying, but this isn't your average kid. No, he's smart enough to realize that his parents' lack of foresight with the sunscreen could play to his advantage. Not many ladies can resist a cute kid, but a cute kid with a sexy tan? He'd be irresistible, how devious! He's accounted for everything, so it would be the perfect plan if not for one small oversight. He's a member of a prestigious club with an ancient list of unbreakable rules. I believe the one that applies here is 'No girls allowed'.

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Nice Sunglasses ... Tan Lines

They're probably around a medium right now, cooked almost all the way through and just a little touch of red. That's not good because you've gotta go medium rare if you want the perfect steak or tan. I'd imagine if they spend one more sunny day outside they'll be at the perfect color. Oh not for themselves, they'll be in terrible pain. They'll be the perfect color for us to laugh at, that's the medium rare sunburn. That's where they're burnt enough so that it's funny but not so burnt it's a serious medical problem. You need to be a master chef to serve up the perfect medium rare sunburn and although I have many credentials to my name that's not one of them. Right now I'm just a short order cook serving up a number 3 combo, but I've still got the dream.

Medium Rare

Let's see, if I just find an image with enough people in it there's bound to be one or two tan people in it. That's pretty easy, I think this is going to be my new method of posting photos. It's a perfect fit for my laziness too, no more searching for tan people like a Where's Waldo puzzle. Of course I could probably get even lazier if I ever completed the Tan Finder 8000. That's my codename for a program that would search the internet and find every single picture of a tan person in less time than it takes to blink. Yeah, but I'm too lazy to change the status quo so I think those two in the back right are pretty tan. Finding tan people is even easier than Waldo, at least he doesn't stand out in a crowd.

There's Somebody Tan in There

I was thinking I'd put a Jack'O Lantern up here for Halloween but I think Christina Aguilera's face in this picture is orange and scary enough. It's amazing how many celebrities fake tan like complete idiots, you'd think that they could afford to take my free online course, Tanning 101. Long semester short, if you think Christina looks like a fool in this picture you get an A, if not, you might need the more remedial class, Tanning 457. I know, 457 should be the harder class, but the bigger number makes the stupid people feel better about themselves.

Christina Aguilera Doesn't Tan Well

Bright Colors Moving Fast

Ok, first off I've never been to a full on rave before so everything that follows is purely speculation. Standard rave gear is bright colored clothing and glow sticks, lots of glow sticks. She took the bright colored clothing to the next level with her orange tan. I'd also assume, since it's a rave after all, that everyone is on some sort of drug. Not only that, but the drugs have cool abbreviations and multiple street names that could confuse a pharmacist. What does all this add up to, it adds up to a bunch of brightly colored people spastically flailing about in a drug fueled haze. I feel like every rave could be summed up the same way. It was awesome, there were all these bright colors moving fast.

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Check out that awesome tan, and just look at that complete lack of a tan. Together they're like a really creepy Yin-Yang symbol. Here's some possible things that he's saying right now. Hey baby (takes off shirt) is it hot in here or is it just me? You can't spell Melanoma without ME. Do you believe in love at first sight or were you blinded by the glare? I'll show you my tan lines if you show me yours. Do you like the Twilight series? That's enough, I don't wanna give away too many of my patented pick-up lines. Alright, one more. You look just like my third World of Warcraft character.

She's Just Not That Into You

No matter how many times teachers tell you how to say no to peer pressure the outcome will always be the same. You'll give in sooner or later, the same holds true with these women. Right now only 3 of them have the resolve to say no enough times to keep from getting a fake tan, but eventually they will be orange too. It always holds true, and not just for drugs like they tell you in school. Matter of fact, if all your friends jumped off a bridge I'd bet 100% of you would jump too assuming you're not scared of heights. That's typically how group bungie jumping works. They jump and then you jump while hoping they don't cut the cord, talk about peer pressure.

That Many People Can't Be Wrong

Medium Rare

Her tan isn't really working out the way she thought it would, but that's not what I'm talking about. No, what I'm referring to is that stretchy exercise band thing she's using to work out. I really wish I knew who invented those things so I could ask them exactly what they were thinking when they created this deathtrap. It probably went something like this. I've got this awesome idea to take a rubber band, make it huge, and tell people to pull on it really hard. Then one of two things happens, it snaps or slips off whatever is holding it and smacks the user really hard in the face, or it stretches perfectly fine. It's actually the perfect product for an exercise enthusiast with a gambling problem.

Bad Idea

Switch Your Socks

Nobody goes with long socks anymore, just more proof that you're not with the times. Because of the increase in tan conscious buyers It's all about socks that stop below the ankle nowadays. I just made up that fact, but it's undeniable that this guy needs some style advice. There only two situations where long socks win over their shorter counterparts. One is during winter, but that's irrelevant if he managed to get tan lines. The other is when you expect to receive cuts or scrapes on your lower legs while hiking through scratchy plants. For that you should really wear plants, so that leaves only one time for longer socks and summer isn't it.

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What I usually teach my imaginary photography students is that a real professional knows the 3 keys to a good photo and keeps them in mind at all times. First you need to take the lens cap off. The second key is that the subject must be in the picture. That one's really easy but you'd be surprised how many students fail these first two objectives. Last it's all about the cropping, you have to eliminate the stuff nobody cares about from your photo and make sure your subject is front and center. Check, check, and check. We have ourselves a master photographer here. Can you guess what her subject is?

A Professional Photographer

I can't believe it, his legs are completely white while his torso is completely tan, this is a masterpiece. This must have taken quite the effort to keep his pants and shoes on while doing that much tanning. The only thing that would be more impressive is if he did it the other way, with tan legs and a completely white upper body.

He should wear a speedo more often

I don't even know what to say about this creature that appears before me. It might be the tan missing link that science has been looking for. The only thing I know for certain is that it looks sad to finally be captured and held in captivity.

A Mysterious Creature

Why do people go to nightclubs looking like they've painted their bodies in orange paint? I guess I'll never know, but I can still laugh at them anyways. These guys decided to get the same porcupine haircut with frosted tips, but when the guy on the left tried to copy the right's spray tanning technique he failed. Plus, from here it almost looks like righty has a mullet, hahahahahahaha.

What is with these people?

Spay-On Sunscreen Recall

So if you haven't already heard the news, this is now a highly respected news site as I'm about to break a huge story. Banana Boat has just recalled half a million bottles of spray on sunscreen after reports that people have caught fire while applying the product. Whoa, sunscreen doesn't prevent burns? I don't know what to believe anymore. It appears only 5 cases have been reported, and one involved a man standing near a barbecue grill and a woman working with welding equipment. Welding equipment and open flames? I think I'll be fine if I use common sense and don't stand near fires while applying something out of an aerosol can. New proposed warning label: Do not use if you are smokin' hot. Yup, I better stick to lotion.

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Leathery Skin

You go girl! You're rocking those sweet sandal tan lines. I don't even need to see the sandals to know they're absolutely fabulous, I can tell just from the tan lines. I wish I knew where she bought them so I could get myself a pair, but sadly I know they won't make them in the equivalent of a mens 13. I know, it's probably a good thing they don't have my size because this would be a repeat of my Sketchers Shape-Ups disaster. Ok, I'll keep in mind that just because a shoe fits that alone doesn't mean you should wear it no matter how much you appear to be 'working it'.

Those Sandals Look Fabulous!

This guy is going to be in pain for about a month after spending all day in the sun and getting the worst sunburn/tan ever. His whole body is going to start peeling off after tanning that much, because this might be a third degree sunburn. At least his friends had the common courtesy to slap him and create that awesome handprint on his sunburned chest.

Way Too Much Tanning!

The devil doesn't wear Prada, tan people do. I don't know if their tans are all as obvious as the tan that gave her a glossy forehead, but I'm sure every person that owns a Prada anything has put some effort into their tan. That doesn't include the knockoff buyers though, because they're too low class to be concerned with their tans. Y'all heard me correctly, if you can't afford a Prada whatever you shouldn't be too worried about your tan because nobody you know is snobby enough to care. Although if you can afford a Prada whatchamacallit and you buy it then you have a whole lot more to be worried about, like your mental health.

Tan People Wear Prada