He Pulls it Off

Not many kids can get a sunburn all over their body without crying, but this isn't your average kid. No, he's smart enough to realize that his parents' lack of foresight with the sunscreen could play to his advantage. Not many ladies can resist a cute kid, but a cute kid with a sexy tan? He'd be irresistible, how devious! He's accounted for everything, so it would be the perfect plan if not for one small oversight. He's a member of a prestigious club with an ancient list of unbreakable rules. I believe the one that applies here is 'No girls allowed'.

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I'm going out on a limb and saying that she's too old for the fake tanning scene. Although her last several birthday cakes read 38, that awful tan isn't helping me believe that. She looks especially tan under the eyes, probably to cover up some dark circles or crows feet. There was something else bothering me about this and I just figured it out, she's got no eyebrows. Maybe she just covered her eyebrows in fake tanner that they just blend in? I thought wisdom was supposed to come with age.

Too old to fake tan

What type of party does it have to be for three people to strip down and cover themselves in fake tanner? A good one. These bozos wanted to see how tan they could get their faces so they put the lotion on the skin. Too bad they ran out before the girl could get tan at all, she looks like she rolled around in the dirt. Those lights in the back make me believe this is a modern day theatre production of Romeo and Juliet called Guido and Guidette.

Go crazy with that fake tanner

This philosopher wants to know what it truly means to be tan so he sat down by the beach and tanned his upper body. I don't know what he learned but I assume it's something like 'I tan; therefore I am tan' or 'To be or not to be, that isn't the question'. Whatever he learned has to start with the simple idea: 'If you go the the beach, take off your pants'.

What is the meaning of tan?

We've seen some sunburns where the subject clearly couldn't reach their back, but this guy's back shows no clear pattern. This is the Stone Henge of sunburns, nobody knows how it happened, maybe aliens did it? Aliens did the sunburn, not Stone Henge, everyone knows that's just ancient people messing with us again. First the pyramids, then Stone Henge, and lately it's all been about that Mayan calendar, those ancient people and their jokes.

A Mysterious Sunburn

Bright Colors Moving Fast

Ok, first off I've never been to a full on rave before so everything that follows is purely speculation. Standard rave gear is bright colored clothing and glow sticks, lots of glow sticks. She took the bright colored clothing to the next level with her orange tan. I'd also assume, since it's a rave after all, that everyone is on some sort of drug. Not only that, but the drugs have cool abbreviations and multiple street names that could confuse a pharmacist. What does all this add up to, it adds up to a bunch of brightly colored people spastically flailing about in a drug fueled haze. I feel like every rave could be summed up the same way. It was awesome, there were all these bright colors moving fast.

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Mommy Got a Spray Tan

Before you rant at me saying that it made a difference you should know that it really didn't. She looks exactly the same in the before as the after, all they did is turn the flash off on the camera and put her in a different outfit. If you really think that the difference between these two images can back up spending even $15 on a spray tan every so often then good for you, I don't think it does. If I'm going to spend money on some beauty product then it's going to make me look noticeably different. Who wants to waste their money to look the same, nobody. That's why if you're going to use a spray tan in your advertisement you should make sure they look at least a little different. Come on, you could've at least photoshopped it.

So What Did The Spray Tan Do?

When him and a bunch of friends went on vacation he didn't know that by the time they came back he'd have the worst sunburn, sucks to be him. It doesn't just suck because he got sunburned because they all did, what sucks is that his is the worst. If you're not the one with the worst sunburn then you have someone to laugh at and go 'at least that's not me', but if you're that guy the sunburn hurts even more because everyone's laughing at you. I understand this guys pain so much that I know why he's got the unburned patches under his eyes. It's because the tears healed that skin when he was crying himself to sleep since everyone laughed at him all day.

He Got the Worst Sunburn

Everyone would think that to get rid of your farmers tan you'd need to wear a shirt without sleeves, or a tank top perhaps, but it doesn't always work out the way you planed. This guy found that out the hard way. He did manage to get rid of his farmers tan in the end so I guess congratulations are in order. Now if only he didn't trade up to a tank top tan. He's back to square one but at least it's not worse than he started with. I believe Thomas Edison would say that he hasn't failed, he's just found one more way that doesn't work. That's a good thing because, unlike Edison, I don't think he can find 999 more ways to screw up his tan.

It Didn't Work

Switch Your Socks

Nobody goes with long socks anymore, just more proof that you're not with the times. Because of the increase in tan conscious buyers It's all about socks that stop below the ankle nowadays. I just made up that fact, but it's undeniable that this guy needs some style advice. There only two situations where long socks win over their shorter counterparts. One is during winter, but that's irrelevant if he managed to get tan lines. The other is when you expect to receive cuts or scrapes on your lower legs while hiking through scratchy plants. For that you should really wear plants, so that leaves only one time for longer socks and summer isn't it.

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You go girl! You're rocking those sweet sandal tan lines. I don't even need to see the sandals to know they're absolutely fabulous, I can tell just from the tan lines. I wish I knew where she bought them so I could get myself a pair, but sadly I know they won't make them in the equivalent of a mens 13. I know, it's probably a good thing they don't have my size because this would be a repeat of my Sketchers Shape-Ups disaster. Ok, I'll keep in mind that just because a shoe fits that alone doesn't mean you should wear it no matter how much you appear to be 'working it'.

Those Sandals Look Fabulous!

He's been tanning since before your parents were born, so I think he knows a thing or two. The first thing he knows is that you need to tan for the long haul, that you shouldn't tan too much too fast and raise your risk of cancer. The second thing he knows is that there is such a thing as a tan that is too dark, when you start getting weird looks it's probably time to slow down. His third tidbit of knowledge is that natural is the best way to go, so you should eat a diet full of fiber and probiotics to help regulate your digestive system. Fourth, you never know when that special moment could occur so you need to be prepared with, wait, what were we talking about?

Experience is the Best Teacher

I've been taking this art class lately and haven't been able to come up with a good idea for my large marble sculpture project, problem solved. I took my inspiration from the other famous marble sculptures such as naked guy, discus man, lady without arms, and thinking dude and based my work on the human form. This is the picture I'm using to base my work off of, now how am I going to incorporate the biker's tan lines into my marble sculpture? Maybe I can use two different shades of marble and glue them together, marble's not that expensive? Wait a minute, I thought marble was more expensive than that. I think I accidentally typed marbles instead of marble when I purchased my supplies. Guess I'm going to have the first sculpture ever made out of marbles. Time to buy more glue.

Depressed Biker With Tan Lines

It's an Oreo because I couldn't think of an animal with a white stripe down it's back. No, skunks have a black stripe surrounded by two white ones which is the opposite of this. It's an Oreo, the resemblance is uncanny. Close your good eye, turn your head sideways, cover his lower back, and you'll start salivating because they look so similar. Whatever, all I know is that if you're going to cut arm holes that large in a shirt you might as well not wear one. I must've had my good eye closed too long to notice that his tan lines are crisp, indicating a tight fighting garment. There's some residual fibers, looks like spandex. We'll have to send it to the lab for testing, but this looks like an open and shut crime of fashion.

Oreo Tan Lines

Spay-On Sunscreen Recall

So if you haven't already heard the news, this is now a highly respected news site as I'm about to break a huge story. Banana Boat has just recalled half a million bottles of spray on sunscreen after reports that people have caught fire while applying the product. Whoa, sunscreen doesn't prevent burns? I don't know what to believe anymore. It appears only 5 cases have been reported, and one involved a man standing near a barbecue grill and a woman working with welding equipment. Welding equipment and open flames? I think I'll be fine if I use common sense and don't stand near fires while applying something out of an aerosol can. New proposed warning label: Do not use if you are smokin' hot. Yup, I better stick to lotion.

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No questions about it, she's definitely sporting a fake tan in that right picture. She's normally an extremely pale redhead, who would ever believe that tan could be real? The really problem here isn't that her tan is bad, it's that she's tan at all. When you're normally super pale you can't go get a spray tan because everyone will know it's fake, and when everyone knows a tan is fake it doesn't matter how good of a tan it is it's still bad. So what could she possibly do if she wants a tan, nothing? Exactly, some people just aren't meant to tan. I guess you could always get a tan to see how bad you'd look, but use this girl as an example and make the right choice.