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He Pulls it Off

Not many kids can get a sunburn all over their body without crying, but this isn't your average kid. No, he's smart enough to realize that his parents' lack of foresight with the sunscreen could play to his advantage. Not many ladies can resist a cute kid, but a cute kid with a sexy tan? He'd be irresistible, how devious! He's accounted for everything, so it would be the perfect plan if not for one small oversight. He's a member of a prestigious club with an ancient list of unbreakable rules. I believe the one that applies here is 'No girls allowed'.


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Here is Trisha Paytas, a model and an actress if you believe her online bio. It also lists her skin color as tanned which is a bit of an understatement if you ask me. That's not even the most ridiculous part either, apparently she has 6 years of banjo experience, is a second degree black belt, was a pole dancer, and set the record for world's fastest talking at 710 words per minute. Ok maybe I believe the pole dancing part but the rest seems completely made-up. Trust me, I'm an expert on made-up stuff. That brings us to the side effect of tanning addiction she suffers from, making things up. It's a terrible condition, but I wouldn't know as I always tell the truth.
Side Effects of Tanning Addiction
Have you ever noticed that people with no friends tend to make the worst tanners? It's not that they can't tan, they just can't do it right because nobody's there to sunscreen their back. Most people would at least make an attempt to apply sunscreen to their own back using some contortionist techniques but end up with spotty coverage, she didn't even bother with that. Of course you could always ask a stranger to sunscreen your back for you, I've had mixed experiences with that. By mixed experiences I don't mean that some were good and some were bad, they were all bad, they were mixed in the degree of badness. For instance sometimes I received a simple 'no, go away', but on more than one occasion I was barely able to post bail. One is the loneliest number.
Nobody's Got Her Back
Call off Dr. House, even a pre-pre-med student could make this diagnosis. Let's see, symptoms include a dark tan, incredible skinniness, and an obsession with bathroom mirror pics. That exactly fits the textbook definition of tanorexia, it doesn't get much easier than this. I can't believe I had to go to an internet medical school for this, even Dr. Phil could make this call. Of course Dr. Phil would have some trouble, but he'd get it right eventually. Now that she's diagnosed it's time to treat her with a $50 Arch Card. You could always get a second opinion but I'm backed by the best medical team in the world which includes medical professionals such as Dr. Seuss, Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Dre. If you still want a second opinion don't go with Dr. Phil, he's not a real doctor.
Diagnosis: Tanorexia
The thoroughness of his sunburn is legendary. His entire upper body is as red as a tomato. You say tomato I say third degree sunburn. I imagine at some point after this picture he peeled off his skin like he was taking off a sweater. The only reason he's smiling is that he knows skin cancer is treatable if detected early.
The worst sunburn ever

Bright Colors Moving Fast

Ok, first off I've never been to a full on rave before so everything that follows is purely speculation. Standard rave gear is bright colored clothing and glow sticks, lots of glow sticks. She took the bright colored clothing to the next level with her orange tan. I'd also assume, since it's a rave after all, that everyone is on some sort of drug. Not only that, but the drugs have cool abbreviations and multiple street names that could confuse a pharmacist. What does all this add up to, it adds up to a bunch of brightly colored people spastically flailing about in a drug fueled haze. I feel like every rave could be summed up the same way. It was awesome, there were all these bright colors moving fast.


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When you're attending a party somewhat sponsored by Target you need to sport a tan that's right on the spot. There's no margin for error, you're either working it or you're not. And if that's the case she's on the clock right now. It might be the jacket and partly the smile, but she's looking absolutely radiant. I know you need to be spot on about your guesses with this stuff but I'd say she's pregnant. Ooh, looks like I missed the bullseye on that. How was I supposed to know it was the fake tanning lotion from aisle 7, the new fall jacket collection, and some well priced pharmaceuticals making her glow? Shucks, looks like I'm banned for life from another store.
On The Spot
You know two things that go together better than peanut butter + jelly, how about a bodybuilder + fake tan? I swear I didn't photoshop this one either, that's his actual face and he's really posing in the parking lot of whatever high school auditorium the world bodybuilder championships is held. You're probably wondering why the parking lot is full if it's only the world bodybuilder championship. That's because the high school drama club's sold out production of The Wizard of Oz happens to be scheduled right before it. Most of the cars will clear out well before the bodybuilding starts which is why this guy has taken up residence in the handicap spot. I can't see his tag, but I'd guess it's not a physical disability.
Bodybuilder = Fake Tan
This guy might have gotten the worst sunburn of his life, but that's okay, because at least his eyes were protected from the suns UV rays. He's also got a nice hat tan line to go with his perfect fit sunglasses tan lines. The more I look at this photo the more it looks like he's crying from both the horrible pain of the burn and the humiliation that goes along with it.
A nice pair of white sunglasses
We've seen some sunburns where the subject clearly couldn't reach their back, but this guy's back shows no clear pattern. This is the Stone Henge of sunburns, nobody knows how it happened, maybe aliens did it? Aliens did the sunburn, not Stone Henge, everyone knows that's just ancient people messing with us again. First the pyramids, then Stone Henge, and lately it's all been about that Mayan calendar, those ancient people and their jokes.
A Mysterious Sunburn

Switch Your Socks

Nobody goes with long socks anymore, just more proof that you're not with the times. Because of the increase in tan conscious buyers It's all about socks that stop below the ankle nowadays. I just made up that fact, but it's undeniable that this guy needs some style advice. There only two situations where long socks win over their shorter counterparts. One is during winter, but that's irrelevant if he managed to get tan lines. The other is when you expect to receive cuts or scrapes on your lower legs while hiking through scratchy plants. For that you should really wear plants, so that leaves only one time for longer socks and summer isn't it.


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I think whoever this is has a tendency to go just a little overboard with things. She's got huge hair, massive fake eyelashes, teeth so white the glare could blind somebody and a tan that is too far gone to salvage. And you know what, it's working. It isn't working in the traditional sense that she looks good, it's working in that if she wore any of this stuff separately she would look much worse than she does now. Somehow she managed to make enough bad choices  they eventually cancelled each other out. It's like she fell overboard and landed in a life raft. It's still a bad place to be, but it's not the worst imaginable outcome.
A Little Overboard
She's right on the edge between being tan and too tan. One more minute of tanning could've put her tan on our side of the line, why did she have to get it right? This is terrible, girls can't be learning how to tan correctly because I'll have no pictures to post! Hopefully it was a fluke and next time she'll screw it up because if it isn't I'll have to take action. I'll start a campaign about the pitfalls of being pale and how it affects your melanin production as well as your social life, that should get them tanning. We're walking a thin line here, just like the girl on the right with her hands on that guys butt. Flip flops at a swanky party, get real.
Walking a Thin Line
I'm sorry but we're going to have to let you go. It's a tough economy, and I don't even know why we thought we could afford to pay a shirtless spray tanned dude to stand around all day. Actually that's got nothing to do with this post. I've been posting 2 pictures a day, and I've finally realized I will probably run out of pictures if I keep going at this rate. This is already the 919th picture! Thanks to everyone for submitting tons of pics, but I think I'll try  going to 1 a day for awhile. After making some cutbacks it looks like we can keep you on the payroll for a little while longer shirtless spray tanned dude. I would've liked to retain shirtless spray tanned chick instead, but employing him is cheaper and doesn't break as many labor laws.
Making Some Cutbacks
I hope they didn't pay too much for those fake tans because they could've gotten natural ones for free. They even used fake names at the salon because these are actually their disguises for when they rob a bank later today. After they get out with the money they're going to wash off the tans and dye their hair different colors. It's a good plan because the cops will be looking for really tan brunette suspects while the real robbers are all pale and blond, but it's a genius plan because they're in New Jersey. The cops are gonna have their hands full with all the fakes.
The tanning salon used Groupon

Spay-On Sunscreen Recall

So if you haven't already heard the news, this is now a highly respected news site as I'm about to break a huge story. Banana Boat has just recalled half a million bottles of spray on sunscreen after reports that people have caught fire while applying the product. Whoa, sunscreen doesn't prevent burns? I don't know what to believe anymore. It appears only 5 cases have been reported, and one involved a man standing near a barbecue grill and a woman working with welding equipment. Welding equipment and open flames? I think I'll be fine if I use common sense and don't stand near fires while applying something out of an aerosol can. New proposed warning label: Do not use if you are smokin' hot. Yup, I better stick to lotion.


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How do you forget to tan your arms? What possible scenario happened that she couldn't tan either of her arms? Could she have run out of money after doing her face?  Does she have severe allergies to fake tanner on her arms only? Did she think nobody would notice the difference between her face and everything else? Why couldn't she just put on a long sleeved shirt if she couldn't afford to tan her arms? I don't know, some will always remain mysteries.
She forgot something
Trust me, a fake tan like that won't come off as easy as you think, next thing you know you'll have an even worse tan than you started with if you can't remove it all. I've seen hundreds of these now, but I've never seen one with a salmon color like this lady got. An alternative to the fake tan remover would be to wait a couple days for it to wash off naturally, which she can do when holed up in her house trying to escape the ridicule of being seen looking like this. It's definitely stupid that you spend all this money getting a fake tan just so you can spend even more money removing it buy hey, that's Hollywoood.
Get Her Some Fake Tan Remover
What, does she only own a single bikini? There's no way, which means these bikini tan lines have to be from a single day. Impressive. I didn't think anyone could change colors that much, better yet I know how she did it. According to my trustworthiest source, Wikipedia, there are some places above the Arctic Circle where the sun doesn't set for 60 continuous days. Technically if the sun doesn't set it's still the same day, so that's how she achieved her amazing tan in a single day. What it doesn't explain is the near constant wearing of a single bikini for 60 days, gross. I'll wash it tomorrow doesn't cut it when a single day is two months long.
Bikini Tan Lines
The crispiness of the tan lines makes me believe this is a spray tan, but if it's natural it doesn't matter since she still missed a spot. I though when spray tanning you were supposed to wear the least amount of clothing possible, not a sleeveless turtleneck. Sleeveless turtlenecks actually exist, I thought I was making that up but that still doesn't mean you should wear one to spray tan. You probably shouldn't own one at all unless you're a ninja or a spy that lives in a tropical climate. Uh oh, I might have just blown the cover of a tropical spy, or I just exposed a secret ninja tribe. Either way I had better hope kung fu movies translate into actual skills before they find me. Don't worry, I've already got the crane move from Karate Kid on lockdown.
Uh, You Missed a Spot