He Pulls it Off

Not many kids can get a sunburn all over their body without crying, but this isn't your average kid. No, he's smart enough to realize that his parents' lack of foresight with the sunscreen could play to his advantage. Not many ladies can resist a cute kid, but a cute kid with a sexy tan? He'd be irresistible, how devious! He's accounted for everything, so it would be the perfect plan if not for one small oversight. He's a member of a prestigious club with an ancient list of unbreakable rules. I believe the one that applies here is 'No girls allowed'.

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With tans it's just like what they always say with grass, it's always better on the other side. After looking at this picture I wonder how the tans could be any worse on the other side, so it must be true. These fools forgot the #1 rule of good tanning, never get tan lines. At least they both made different mistakes so they might be able to learn from each other. I'm not sure they can learn their lesson, I'm sort of teeter tottering on this decision.

The tans are darker on the other side

I don't know why people go swimming while wearing shirts or tank tops, they just get all soggy, cling to your skin and feel weird. This guy decided to wear his tank top while swimming because he didn't want anyone to see his tank top tan lines. I don't think wearing the tank top will really help cover the tan lines you got from it. Wait, he might not even be wearing the shirt at all.

Take that shirt off to swim

This is another cool idea from the world of spray tanning, the temporary tattoo. What you do is, cover parts of your body with stickers or tape, spray tan, remove stickers and impress people with your awesomeness. Everyone knows that it's really hard to pull off a good spray tan and with the tattoo, nobody cares that your spray tan sucks because you've got body art. Just don't try to join a hardcore biker gang because you've got tats, it probably won't work.

Spray tan tattoo

Right here, this is why you need to check yo self before you wreck yo self. People always think about the immediate pain of snapping your knee in half doing some stupid rail grind on a BMX bike, but they never think about the pain their tan has to endure too. First there's the cast and month after month of no sunlight to almost your entire leg. Then there's the brace which allows just enough light to completely sunburn the exposed areas that got no sun in the cast. This causes hideous leg brace tan lines that won't go away until you've stopped wearing the brace, that'll be about a year. Then, just as your tan is about to make a full recovery the cycle starts all over again with 5 words. Bet you can't jump that.

Leg Brace Tan Lines

Bright Colors Moving Fast

Ok, first off I've never been to a full on rave before so everything that follows is purely speculation. Standard rave gear is bright colored clothing and glow sticks, lots of glow sticks. She took the bright colored clothing to the next level with her orange tan. I'd also assume, since it's a rave after all, that everyone is on some sort of drug. Not only that, but the drugs have cool abbreviations and multiple street names that could confuse a pharmacist. What does all this add up to, it adds up to a bunch of brightly colored people spastically flailing about in a drug fueled haze. I feel like every rave could be summed up the same way. It was awesome, there were all these bright colors moving fast.

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This playa thought he could get away with a spray tan instead of hitting the beach like a hard-working tanner and he payed the price. The tan doesn't go up and blend with his hairline like a natural tan would because he just had to protect those precious locks.At least he stuck with a single necklace, unlike his friend.

Incomplete Spray Tan

Look at that trophy, that's definitely a first place trophy. Normally first gets a two-tiered trophy, second gets something that looks like half of the first place trophy, and third gets a coupon to Pizza Hut. That shows you how unimportant third place is. It's not even a gift card, it's a coupon. You've all got pretty much the same bodies so you need to beat her in the tan. If you're going to beat her next time you should use so much tanning lotion it causes a shortage. If you're not going to go that extra mile you might as well go use your coupon, get fat, and give up. I recommend the one with the cheese inside the crust.

She Won

It's my opinion as a doctor that the kind of people who tan excessively tend to have more fun than their pale counterparts. Take this picture for example, the 'normal' subject has a smile height of 2 while the 'tan' subject has a smile height of 27, a 1,300% increase. In my professional opinion this not only proves my theory but should lead to further research. All I need now is funding. Your move Obama.

Orange people have more fun

Those 2 pale girls are really good friends and they don't even know who that creepy orange girl is. She just snuck up on them while they were taking the photo. The real wonder here is how that girl sneaks anywhere, look at her tan, you could probably see her from space. It helps that she went for the glossy finish too, that shine really helps direct the light into your eyes.

Who invited her?

Switch Your Socks

Nobody goes with long socks anymore, just more proof that you're not with the times. Because of the increase in tan conscious buyers It's all about socks that stop below the ankle nowadays. I just made up that fact, but it's undeniable that this guy needs some style advice. There only two situations where long socks win over their shorter counterparts. One is during winter, but that's irrelevant if he managed to get tan lines. The other is when you expect to receive cuts or scrapes on your lower legs while hiking through scratchy plants. For that you should really wear plants, so that leaves only one time for longer socks and summer isn't it.

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This is the perfect spectrum of tanning. On the left you've got the 'Full Jersey', left middle is the 'Bronze Statue', right middle is the 'Beach goer', and the right guy is sporting the 'Albino'. The perfect level for most people would be the 'Beach goer', but a select few individuals take it upon themselves to scorch their skin and go for the 'Full Jersey'. Personally I think that just looks stupid, but then again I'm not a guido and I don't live in New Jersey.

The levels of tan

I guess that once you've been named sexiest man alive you've got to keep yourself looking good. This could be natural given that he does live in Australia sometimes, but the easier explanation is that he got a spray tan. It must've been a very subtle tan since he looks really natural. Of course he should look natural since he heals so quickly being Wolverine and all. I'll bet his X-Men friends reworked the spray tan formula to give him this awesome tan. I wish I had the X-Men on speed dial to solve all my problems, although they'd probably block my number after I called for support from the couch to help me reach the remote.

Hugh Jackman Got a Nice Tan

Don't be fooled, he's not looking at the camera, he's looking at his own reflection in a mirror. At the tanning salon he didn't think he looked this dark, it must be the lighting in the club. He's probably regretting his decision to opt for the face and chest only package, just look at his arms. Other than the lack of arm tan I'd say his GTL cycle is pretty solid, maybe a little off the G and some more T and he could be a role model for aspiring guidos.

Surprised by His Own Tan

It's a celebration, we've found the first bigfoot at a place nobody would expect, the beach. Turns out he's been working on his tan ever since he learned that the forest sucks. All of this time scientists have been scouring the forests and he's been out in the open tanning by the ocean. The only question that remains is why would he wear a bikini top, it'd just create unwanted tan lines.

Bigfoot got waxed and went to the beach

Spay-On Sunscreen Recall

So if you haven't already heard the news, this is now a highly respected news site as I'm about to break a huge story. Banana Boat has just recalled half a million bottles of spray on sunscreen after reports that people have caught fire while applying the product. Whoa, sunscreen doesn't prevent burns? I don't know what to believe anymore. It appears only 5 cases have been reported, and one involved a man standing near a barbecue grill and a woman working with welding equipment. Welding equipment and open flames? I think I'll be fine if I use common sense and don't stand near fires while applying something out of an aerosol can. New proposed warning label: Do not use if you are smokin' hot. Yup, I better stick to lotion.

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Duckfaces are the most manly facial expression a man can make. False, duckfaces are the worst facial expression for a man. I think I've got this thing down, I'm going to ace my man test. These dudes obviously dropped the course early in the semester, way before the professor, Sean Connery, ever covered the acceptable faces a man can make. I don't think they even read over the syllabus Professor Connery handed out, because they've made so many rookie mistakes he would be ashamed to ever call them his schtudents. Where do I begin my critique, Ed Hardy, open button down shirt, shirtless under a zip up, coordinated tans, lack of facial hair, store bought jeans with holes, lame hand signs, three of them don't have drinks and the fourth isn't drinking whiskey.

Drop the Duckface Dudes

They know exactly what I'm talking about, they find that orange girl sitting in front of them hilarious too. No wonder they're picking up what I'm laying down, they're sitting in the back. It's common knowledge that the cool kids sit in the back of the bus, so if you extrapolate the thinking to vans those two are the coolest people in the photo. Their only competition was the girl in the middle because she isn't making a duck face, but she is friends with the two girls that are which limits her coolness dramatically. Unfortunately I overstepped when I extrapolated from the bus, any coolness they had disappeared the moment they set foot in that van. Vans just aren't cool, don't tell the A-Team.

Those Guys Know

Why is The Situation taking photos with random strangers at a local tanning salon, because MTV barely pays the cast of Jersey Shore so he's forced to make public appearances and advertise for humiliating weight loss products. Sure, they don't get paid badly by normal standards, but normal people don't burn through money like they do. They should each hire an accountant ASAP, because that money stream is gonna dry up like their spray tanned skin and they'll have nothing more than the complete Jersey Shore DVD set and countless STD's to show for it. That's just the situation.

That's the Situation

Am I really going to make fun of somebody that got sunburned and discovered later that their neck folds created tan lines? Probably not, this seems like it would be more mean than funny. It's funny when it's some stupid girl that painted herself orange with fake tanner, but when obesity affects 30% of the US population it's just sad. However, what is't sad about this photo is that I can definitely see Cheez-It's in the background. Cheez-It's are well known in the nutritionist community as a good source of vitamin A, vitamin P, vitamin Q, and other stuff that's good for you. The only problem I have with the Cheez-It as a snack food is that the serving size is 29 crackers. Who in their right mind made up that crazy number? Where I come from, which is the United States, it's the whole box or nothing.

Neck Tan Lines